


Not This Time

by zhongwritings



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, ChenJi, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Sad, Secrets, Unrequited Love, but is it, if you need a good cry just read this i guess, implied markle maybe?, its so sad it makes me so sad i cant get over it, no its really sad idk whats wrong w me, nomin if you put your hand over your eyes and dream it, okay please read it its kind of a part of me, park jisung deserves the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:35:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29576220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zhongwritings/pseuds/zhongwritings
Summary: Jisung finally realizes the love he has for Chenle exceeds well past that of a best friend. He spends weeks trying to figure out how to cope with these feelings that he shares with only himself; and when he finally works up the confidence to tell Chenle about them, Chenle makes him wish his feelings were never even realized in the first place.
Relationships: Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 10
Kudos: 47
Collections: Challenge #5 — I heard a secret..





	Not This Time

Seoul is the brightest city Jisung has ever lived in. 

The lights outside his window have brought nothing but happiness to his life, so as he stares out into the city, lost completely in his own thoughts, Jisung wonders why he isn’t happy.

His room is completely black, his desk lamp having been turned off hours prior when he first tried to go to bed. But at some point Jisung dragged himself from beneath the covers and planted himself at his desk, and now he’s stuck in an endless stream of consciousness as he tries to figure out what’s been bothering him lately.

_Why can’t I sleep… maybe it’s because I failed my calc test last week? No, no, I don’t care **that** much about school… Is it because Jaemin beat me in the one on one we played in PE yesterday… no I know he was just showing off to impress Jeno… Why the hell do I feel like this then?_

There are so many things in Jisung’s life that make him happy. His family, his friends, dancing, singing… the list was endless, really. 

But there was one thing that made itself entirely too prevalent in Jisung’s mind. One thing that made him _more than_ happy.

 _Chenle_.

Even the image of Jisung’s best friend’s face flashing across his mind was enough to bring Jisung’s fists to his hair, tipping himself backwards in his desk chair as Chenle’s smiling face came across his mind’s eye.

Chenle’s hair, fluffy and black and long enough for Jisung to comb through with his fingers. Chenle’s smile that brought whiskers to his cheeks whenever Jisung made him laugh. Chenle’s eyes that shone brightly like the city just outside of Jisung’s window. 

Before he could even realize what he’s doing, Jisung feels a smile creep into his face as he thinks about Chenle and all that he is to him. He is his _best friend_ , yes. But Jisung… doesn’t want Chenle to be his best friend anymore.

Jisung, as he sits at his desk and stares at the twinkling city that he has known his entire life, realizes for the first time that he has romantic feelings for someone.

And that someone is Chenle.

~

The next few weeks are nearly impossible for Jisung.

Every time he sees Chenle he becomes a mess of loving stares and jumbled words, and he simply transforms into the babbling idiot he saw Jeno become when he realized he had feelings for Jaemin.

Chenle doesn’t seem to notice, though.

He just continues on, laughing at Jisung when everyone else does, but not paying him any mind otherwise, never really caring for the lack of communication between him and his best friend. 

And it bothers Jisung.

It’s almost as if Chenle hasn’t even noticed that he’s been acting different. As if Chenle isn’t even thinking about him.

And then, one day, Jisung sees something.

He’s walking home from dance practice, the sun just hitting the horizon over the city. Jisung has his hands in his pockets and his headphones in his ears, and he isn’t paying much attention to anything or anyone around him, until he sees a fluffy mop of black hair a few blocks ahead of him, and he immediately recognizes it to be Chenle. 

Something in Jisung’s chest is holding him back from running ahead and meeting with him, so he holds himself back, opting to speed up his pace just a bit as he stalks behind Chenle, watching as another person falls into step beside him, their arm coming up and wrapping around Chenle’s shoulders, their fingers finding purchase in his hair and combing through it ever so gently.

Jisung starts to think he’s having a nightmare.

Especially when he realizes who that person is.

The person who has themselves wrapped around _his_ Chenle, their fingers in his hair and their spaces intertwined, their souls walking beside each other right in front of Jisung, the person who makes Jisung realize that Chenle probably doesn’t even care that he can’t speak when he’s around him, the person who Jisung suddenly feels hatred for bloom in his chest- is Mark.

Jisung doesn’t question their intimacy any further, instead opting to cross the street and run all the way home as he tries his best to keep his tears down, suppressing the emotions that rise through his bones and drench his body in pain.

~

It is two weeks after Jisung saw Chenle and Mark together, and over a month since he realized he has feelings for Chenle. Jisung is sitting with Jeno, Jaemin, Chenle, and Mark outside on the tennis courts. It’s during their hour long break time, and the sun is beating down on them, warm and golden against their skin. 

The moment would be serene, if not for the incessant feeling of worry that is stirring in Jisung’s chest.

He hasn’t spoken a word to Chenle since he saw him with Mark, and it's killing Jisung to see how indifferent Chenle is about it.

They were supposed to be best friends. Chenle is supposed to check up on him if something is wrong.

But it seems, to Jisung at least, that Chenle hasn’t even noticed _anything_ is wrong.

Jisung is watching Chenle converse with Mark about something, his fingers wrapped around the hem of Mark’s shirt, Mark’s legs intertwined with Chenle’s, and Jisung can’t help but let the jealousy that rings through his chest bother him.

“Chenle,” He calls out suddenly, for the first time in a long time. The word is almost unfamiliar on his lips.. almost awkward to even say.

Everyone turns their heads to Jisung, as if hearing him say Chenle’s name is foreign to them all. Jisung tries, once again, to not let the uncertainty in the air bother him.

 _Something_ is definitely wrong.

“Yeah?” Chenle replies, bringing Jisung back to reality. “What’s up?” He’s in the middle of laughing at something Mark said, and Jisung is annoyed.

“Are you good?” There’s venom in Jisung’s tone, the question thick with so much more than the simple three words that fall from Jisung’s lips, so many words left unsaid.

It is silent for a beat, time passing stiffly as the air goes stale.

Jisung sees Jeno and Jaemin exchange a glance, and he sighs as he rises to his feet, turning his back to his friends as he begins to walk away. 

“Forget it,” Jisung says, and he is gone a moment later.

~

“You need to talk to Jisung,” Jeno says from where he’s sitting on Chenle’s bed. He and everyone else in their friend group are gathered in Chenle’s room. It is Friday night, and none of them have spoken with Jisung since he called Chenle out earlier in the week.

“He’s been so weird lately,” Mark chimes in. “Jen, did Chenle tell you we saw him running home a few weeks ago? It was like he didn’t even see us… but he had to of, I mean, we were the only people on the street…”

“Chenle did tell me that,” Jeno replies. “Which is exactly why he needs to talk to Jisung. Something is up. Chenle,” Jeno says, turning on his side and facing Chenle, who is sitting at his desk with his knees drawn to his chest. “He’s your best friend. Talk to him. Something is up.”

“I know, I know,” Chenle drawls. “But I feel like he’s mad at me about something. You saw how he was during break the other day. He had such an attitude. He seemed like a gangster or something… I don’t know…”

“Well maybe he is mad at you,” Jaemin chimes in. “Did you forget a certain date or something? An anniversary? Maybe it’s been five years since you met or something like that. It can't be his birthday because that was in February so…”

Chenle grabs the edge of the desk and pushes off so he’s spinning in his chair now, groaning as he does so. 

“No I didn’t forget anything… I guess I’ll talk to him then,” Chenle sighs out. “I’ll call him now so I can talk to him while you’re all here and-.”

“No, no,” Jeno interjects. “You can call him and we’ll leave so you can talk with him _alone_. There is so clearly something going on. Talk to him, don’t avoid it. We can’t leave him alone forever. We love him, Chenle. _You_ love him.”

Chenle rolls his eyes as he waves his friends off and out of his room, reaching into his pocket and calling Jisung as he flops down onto the bed, finally alone.

It takes a few rings for Jisung to answer, but he does.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” Chenle says. “Come over.”

“...”

“... Jisung?”

“Y...yeah I… yeah I’ll be right over… can you… wait uhm... just uh... uhm… yeah nevermind uh... okay. I’ll … I’ll be there soon.”

“See you soon.”

~

Jisung hasn’t been at Chenle’s house in weeks, and as he starts the climb the familiar steps up to Chenle’s front door, it just starts to hit him that he’s at Chenle’s _house_. He’s about to see _Chenle_.

He didn’t really give it much thought when he answered the phone, his feet taking him right out of his house and towards Chenle before he could even think twice about the call.

And now here Jisung was, right in front of Chenle’s door, heart beating so hard in his chest he can practically feel it in his throat.

Jisung isn’t ready. He isn’t ready to see Chenle or talk to Chenle or even be _near_ Chenle because he thinks if he is that something will change between them. That he’ll say something he shouldn’t or Chenle will tell him something he doesn’t want to hear.

But Jisung doesn’t get to turn around and second guess it, because seconds later Chenle’s front door is flying open and there is Chenle, standing right in front of him, and then he’s grabbing Jisung’s arm and pulling him into the house, and waiting for him to kick off his shoes before bringing him right up the stairs and into his bedroom.

And Jisung’s head is spinning the entire time because Chenle is touching him and Chenle is in his space and _he’s_ in _Chenle’s_ space.

Jisung wants to cry.

Chenle finally drops Jisung’s arm once they are safe inside of his room, the door shut behind them.

Chenle throws himself onto his bed, melting into the pillows and stuffed animals he has on display, and Jisung wants to smile at how cute he looks among the plushies and pillows.

“What’s going on?” Chenle asks. “Why are you being so weird lately?”

Jisung’s mouth goes dry at Chenle’s questioning.

He knew Chenle was going to ask him about why he’s been acting the way he has lately, but Jisung isn’t sure he’s so ready to talk about it yet.

He’s been keeping everything to himself for weeks now, and he can’t help but feel unprepared when faced with the challenge of telling the truth.

“Well?” Chenle asks once more. “Talk to me. I’m your best friend Jisung. I can take whatever it is you’re going to tell me.”

 _Can you?_ Jisung wonders. _Can you take this? Can you understand me? Chenle… I really hope so._

Jisung takes a deep breath as he plants his feet into the carpet in an attempt to ground himself.

Now or never.

“I like you.”

Jisung’s words sound so simple, so easy, so carefree.

Chenle blinks.

“Wh-”

“I like you,” Jisung repeats. “I like you and I have for weeks now. Maybe years. I don’t know. All I know is that you’ve been all buddy buddy with Mark and it pisses me off and it shouldn’t because I love Mark and he’s one of my best friend’s too, but he isn’t as important to me as you. No one is. I just- I love you. I know I do. More than a best friend or whatever… I _love_ you, Chenle.”

Chenle doesn’t reply. He just stares at Jisung from across the room, processing his words.

It is silent for entirely too long as Chenle thinks about what Jisung has just confessed. It is silent for entirely too long as Jisung takes Chenle’s silence in place of a response. It is silent for entirely too long as Jisung realizes the power of the secret he just told. It is silent for entirely too long as Jisung realizes he said everything he shouldn’t have said. 

Unable to stand the silence, Jisung speaks up once more.

“Would it be so hard to say that you love me back?” Chenle’s silence is deafening to Jisung. He feels tears prick at his eyes as he clenches his fists, fingernails digging hard into his palms. “Would it be so hard to say you feel the same? Chenle? Don’t you feel the same?”

Jisung’s voice is breaking, his tone unstable and his throat slick with saliva as the tears come rushing out of his eyes.

“Jisung I-” Chenle pauses, the words catch in his throat. He contemplates them for a moment, as if saying them will shatter the invisible glass wall he has placed between himself and Jisung. Chenle takes a deep breath before continuing, his voice low and quiet. “I don’t… I don’t love you, Jisung.” It is silent for a while as the glass wall bursts, the shards painfully poking through Jisung’s clothing and going straight to his heart, drenching him in sorrow and agony. 

It isn’t a moment later that Jisung is out of Chenle’s room, sneakers on as he runs down the street and away from Chenle and his house and his bedroom and everything Jisung knows to be _Chenle_.

And Jisung starts to think telling Chenle his secret wasn’t such a great idea in the first place.

~

Three weeks go by without Jisung seeing or speaking to Chenle again.

He skips school, and when he does show up he avoids his friends and sleeps in class. He ignores their calls and messages, and by the looks of things he seems to have quit all of his extracurriculars as well. He doesn’t speak to anyone, doesn’t stay after class when he’s supposed to, doesn’t answer when he’s called on.

Jisung has done a complete 180 since he confessed to Chenle. Since his secret came out.

And Chenle isn’t doing so well either.

All of his friends are pissed at him for ruining his relationship with Jisung, but even after asking Chenle countless times what happened that night, he still refuses to tell them.

He can’t figure out why he told Jisung that he didn’t love him. Of course he loves him. But Chenle couldn’t explain it, couldn’t get the words out, couldn’t figure out how to say how he feels.

Chenle never stops thinking about Jisung, not even for a moment.

And he thinks his incessant stream of Jisung-thoughts are the reason why he can see Jisung right now, standing just a few feet in front of him.

Chenle blinks, a few times. He tries to make himself believe that he’s losing his mind, that maybe he lost it a long, long time ago.

A part of Chenle thinks maybe he’s dreaming. Maybe Jisung is just a figment of his imagination, and he isn’t actually there. That maybe Chenle's sad attempts at manifestation brought him to insanity.

But Chenle reaches out anyway.

“Jisung?”

Chenle almost wants to cry when Jisung turns to him, his face dark, eyes heavy with exhaustion, cheeks hollow from dread. This isn’t the Jisung he knows.

“Jisung,” Chenle starts as he steps towards him. “Are you alright?”

“‘M fine,” Jisung mumbles.

They’re standing outside of a convenience store, and it's the dead of night and Chenle wants to know why he’s out so late. He wants to know what Jisung is doing in his neighborhood. He wants to know if Jisung is _okay._

Chenle’s fingers are clutching at the edge of Jisung’s sleeve, and once Jisung realizes, he pulls his arm away, turning his back to Chenle.

“Night, Chenle,” Jisung says. He starts to walk away, and Chenle almost has half the mind to let him, but he doesn’t. 

He _can’t_.

“Wait Jisung I-” _love you._ “I- We… we need to talk, okay? Soon, so let’s go back to my house and-”

“I don’t need to talk to you.” Jisung dismisses. “I need to get home. It’s late. You should go back too.” He starts again, and Chenle feels tears come to his eyes as Jisung begins to slip from his grasp again.

“I love you too!” Chenle shouts. Jisung stops. “I love you too and… I care about you! You’re my best friend okay? Of course I love you. Please Jisung.. please please come back here. Please Jisung. I-”

“How?” Jisung asks, his voice distant as he’s still faced away from Chenle.

“How? What do you mean-”

“How do you love me?” Jisung’s voice sounds different to Chenle. It sounds foreign, unfamiliar, alien, almost. He doesn’t like it. “How do you love me, Chenle?” Jisung repeats.

Chenle freezes up again.

What is he supposed to say?

Yes, he loves Jisung, but…

“Not… not like how… like how you love me, I don’t think.” Chenle replies. “I love you because you’re my best friend! Even though we’re different! Even though you and I are polar opposites! You always understand me! You always make me happy and comfortable and you always make sure that I know you love me! Please don’t leave me Jisung. Please I-”

“I’m sorry, Chenle,” Jisung begins. Chenle can hear the strain in his voice. He can tell he’s holding back tears. “I can’t.. I can’t go on with you like this. I need to be alone. I need to stay _away_ from _you_.”

And Jisung huffs out a sigh before he starts up again, and Chenle can tell by the way that he’s walking that he isn’t going to stop again.

Not this time.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! if this fic hurt.. im sorry omg it hurt me too :(  
> this is my first ever fest and obv my first time w alw so i just wanted to thank the mods for their hard work! please go read the rest of the fics if you haven't yet!  
> comments and kudos are appreciated! <333


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